Sheltered

Under the persistent presence of your wings I reside,
Hidden in the depths of your shadow,

Grace, Beautifully Woven

I am utterly taken by your faultless grace,
That sees beyond faults and unflinchingly embraces,
Me, in my weakness and my delinquent decay,
That draws so close as to live inside me,
This symbol of hope beyond simple,
But simplistically open to simply being given,
You, the gift, that no price could afford,
Beyond beautiful and more opulent than fine perfume,
Yet grounded and so perfectly real,
So utterly devoted to the love that must be shared,
There are no doors that can lock your grace away,
And no places beyond your reach,
Even the grave and the whisper of infinity are within your grasp,
My heart fails within me,
Fails to hold on to the truth of your tender mercy,
But your beginning and my beginning,
Are inseparably linked,
Your ending and my ending,
Veer wistfully towards a conclusion where you,
And only you,
Are the final full-stop.

Resting

Forget the video. This is a little play I've been having with synths, creating some ambient background. It's pretty minimalist.

 

Let Me Be An Open Book To You

Let me be an open book to you

That my pages would be primed for you to read

That your eyes might see the words written on my heart

The beautiful italics of my purest recollections

The news type of important dates and moments

But more than this

Let my entirety be an open book to you

The margins of my existence with their cramped and cluttered scribbles

The doodles of my thoughts strewn across the page

The sticky notes and ribbons pointing to perfect moments and moments where pride has caught me short

To rambling diary entries enchanted by thoughts beyond comprehension

The bold typed bubble writing of the births of my children

The crossed-out retractions of things I’m ashamed I said

May all these things be in the visible book of my existence before you

The empty unused pages where apathy reigned

Those words of hate I used for you when I felt that all was lost

Tired pages filled with endless full-stops as I strive to know the meaning

Let me be an open book to you

Bearing coffee stains, with twisted staples

Pencil graffiti and a torn cover

Let me be an open book to you

POEM: Little Fruit Fly

Little Fruit Fly,
At least that's what I think you're called,
Buzzing in almost silent, high pitched frequencies,
My ears struggle to hear, you,
Go from hand to plate to cup to wall,
Directionless, seemingly,
But yet propelled somehow to the points of the compass,
You long to engage with,
There's a focus on the apparent chaos in your movements,
Darting back and forth,
Thirsty for whatever needs to quench,
That innate desire, cerebral or instinctive,
You know what you seek,
And you seek what you need, which,
Is further along the evolutionary scale,
Than I sometimes feel, with,
Your decisive indecision,
And your focus on the present,
The needs and responsibilities,
The necessity of actions,
But yes, you may,
At least from the outside, appear,
To be void of rigour,
Lacking in purpose, but,
I see,
I see something in you, your directness,
The method in your madness,
And I delight,
And I wonder,
And I ponder,
How much more I have to learn from you,
Before I turn off the light and leave you,
To the strawberry mark on my plate.

this empire - a train of thought poem written in seven minutes.

This empire

 

this earthly empire stands as broken witness to a fallen world collapsing in on itself

tired and trudging

shattered and shot

it all lives

shot out of this place

this decadent decay

all that is left of this empire

this empire that sings loudly of promises never to be reached

of promises never to be owned

of promises that should never have been made

this empire is nothing

nothing but a lie and a contradiction

of false hood and a false witness

through nothing but stones by the wayside of motorways

in the shadows of old bingo halls

nothing and nothing and nothing

this empire so Ballasted by nature

so fallen

so tired

so pitiful

so empty of meaning

and yet

and yet

and yet

this empire is not abandoned by him who knows

this empire is not forsaken and forgotten

but instead the Lord

in wisdom in mercy with grace

resists all false hopes and calls

from dark to light

from shadow to bright white sun

from decay to creation

this empire is called

and it is called back from the brink

built upon unburdened beautified beatified life

what was forgotten is re-found

days that were broken decayed and dreary are filled with the light of life

and this shattered empire

with its falsehoods and its traps

with its glitter and its gold

with his hollow words and hollow lies

is brought back into life by him who knows

the God of creation

the instigator of infinity

the founder of creation

the one true God

from him light shines

and from him decay is abandoned

and from him restoration emerges

the shattered streets bringing forth life

the tired fields grow once again

with crops of plenty

filthy stream run clean

the pitted mine brings forth diamonds

swords are beaten into ploughshares

death is defeated

and the risen one

the Christ resides with his people

and life returns to this desolate place

the kingdom is being built

the promises have been spoken

the truth is being made known

and through it all God speaks

God calls

God loves

and God cares

every hope can be met

every dream can be reality

as the echoes of torment fade

hope

life

love

all these things remain

the Lord walks through the streets

holding in his hands those he meets

no longer lost no longer forlorn

but freed

with freedom to be

cruel people have been called to live lives of love and longing for the Lord

and through it all God

God remains

God reigns

God welcomes

and this empire is renewed

this refreshment is reinvigorating

it cannot be held tight and shut down

it must be expressed by the breaking of bread

by the giving of wine

by sharing a table

by bringing thoughts

and hopes

and dreams

into line with the one whose schemes are pure

the one who calls forth disciples

the one who through water

with water

in water

baptises

is baptising

blessing and bringing forth love

and light

and hope

into his hands this empire is given

and into his heart this empire will grow

blessed be the name of the Lord.

the BIG FAT LIE of ministry and study

Some time ago I wrote about the challenges of finding time to study, to read theological reading material, to be a reflective practitioner who regularly studies scripture, but more precisely, theory, practice, research and various ‘ologies’.

I wrote in that old blog post that there is a challenge there: a very difficult one to find time and prioritise time to study, to write, to read and to reflect.

It’s clear that reflection and study are supposed to be key elements of a priest’s ministry, and this reflected across the denominations, across the theological preferences and it is written about in various books. Two being, John Pritchard’s, The Life and Work of a Priest - in his chapter “Inquisitive Learner: Digging into theology”. Also, Gordon Laythrop’s fantastic, The Pastor: a spirituality - in a section called  “Study that delights in what is”.

And I love the theory of this.

But my issue has always been with the practice of this. Ministry “timetable’s” always get filled up with face to face things, or prepping for meetings, or occasional offices, or visits. And before anyone says it, that’s before even opting into anything and saying, “YES!”

While study has its place in this framework (supposedly), actually, like prayer, and worship, and devotions, study gets pushed out - because actually, no one sees if you don’t do it. And deep down, no one actually cares.

And certainly we are called in prepping sermons etc, to read widely and I use my commentaries and related books but actually, in practice, the other reading falls off the agenda.

And in everyday parish life - it doesn’t seem to matter - but actually it does!

If you’re a pioneer heading up a particular ministry with a  particular subculture, study of that subculture, of the context, of theory, of research would be of paramount importance.

But actually, where ever we are planted, wherever we minister (as lay or ordained), this reading and prepping and study is just as important.

And sshhhhh, don’t let on, but the study we should be doing shouldn’t just be preparing us to minister ‘nicely’ at St. Squiggleburts, Little Warbuton, if that’s where we are placed.

No, our study and preparing and reading and research should be about calling the people we minister to journey on with us to where God is calling. So that God’s kingdom may be built.

But for time and the shape of ministry (I may have mentioned that in other posts ;)).

After my last guilt-ridden occasion of feeling utterly rubbish because I wasn’t studying - (because I know it is important and I value it and I grow through it) - I prioritised ten books to read in the year. Have I read any of them? No.

Because when I have had the moments to read I’ve either been reading devotional stuff (quite rightly, desperately scratching around trying to find God in this), or if I have been able to “study” I’ve ended up reading the Diocesan suggested Book Group text, which somewhat ironically is probably there to make sure we keep studying.

Or I’ve been reading for an assignment I’m writing, which while helpful and great to do, and reflective, and praxis informed, etc, means that I’m not able to read about where my heart in ministry really is, or also to prepare me for where I feel I may be being called to.

So my basic point is:

 

Study is important.

Study doesn’t fit.

Study is a big fat joke.

 

So whereas last time I was in this place I felt like I needed to prioritise a list of books I would read in the imaginary hours I mystically create, or in the hours before bed after working 12 hour days.

This time I’ve come to a different conclusion:

 

I’m purposefully not going to study.

 

More than this, I’m going to cover up all of my theological books, I’m literally going to drape my book shelves with material so I can’t even see the books are there.

Now naturally, I’ll keep out some books that I will use in “everyday” ministry, things like commentaries. And I’ll also keep out a few devotional books, and a Bible of course.

And don’t worry folks, I’ll most definitely be keeping out my vast and exciting collection of Common Worship liturgical texts.

And yes, I will have to keep out the book for my “Book Group” and the books I’m using for my assignment due in - in 19 days (ha!)

 

But the rest: sack it.

 

Now I know being a theological and reflective practitioner is about being informed, about being inspired and about growing as a person called by God. I know that. I believe in the need to study.

 

But I feel hoodwinked again about this issue.

Because when it comes to it, very few people actually care if I’m being transformed into the likeness of Christ - they just want the jobs doing.

1. Did the funeral happen - TICK

2. Did the baptism happen - TICK

3. Did the wedding happen - TICK

4. Did the Sunday service happen - TICK

5. Did the meeting happen and the minutes get written - TICK

6. Did we begin to capture a sense of God’s call for us as a people - UNIMPORTANT

7. Did I encounter God through a revelation through prayer or scripture - UNIMPORTANT

8. Did I grow in fervour for God and his Word and the ministry and mission of his church - UNIMPORTANT  (for further information see points 1 to 5)

 

So I’m going to cover up my many books, my hundreds of pounds worth of the most energising and informing spiritual and theological writings I’ve ever come across.

As soon as my assignment is in I’m going to remove from my diary that ridiculous phrase “study day” that only ever gets scrawled all over with other tasks anyway (at least until another assignment comes along)

Down with guilt.

And actually, for now at least, “down with reflective practice” (except in the case of an assignment), it’s just a big fat joke.